Table Mountain – Let’s Not Turn This Honeymoon Into a Headline

As an official rite of passage into the Soskolne family, the hike to the top of Table Mountain is something that generations of individuals bearing this ever-difficult-to-pronounce-last-name have accomplished. No easy feat by any standards, the 2-5 hour hike (depending on the route, weather, trail-finding-abilities) is the perfect test to earn one’s place into a telemarketers nightmare. Thus, when Julie decided that her future would be that of a Soskolne, only one obstacle stood her path: The 3,558 foot rising plateau overlooking the city of Cape Town.

With several hundred paths of varying length and difficulty, there are 3 primary ways to place yourself on top of Table Mountain:

1. Cable Car - $12 and a lack of adventure will get you to the top in a mere 4-5 minutes. No thanks.

2. Platteklip Gorge – Approximately 2 hours of climbing never-ending rock staircases along endless switchbacks. Difficulty assured, boredom guaranteed. Hmmmm, maybe.

3. India Venster – 3 hour hike encompassing strenuous climbing, rock scrambles and a “bit” of free climbing. Designated for “experienced climbers only”, with “DANGER” signs every which way. Sounds perfect!

Now, I will be honest. As an avid hiker of India Venster during my time living in Cape Town, my ability to recall the several near-death experiences I encountered only seemed to enter my memory as Julie and I began to come across them during our hike (approximately 2-3 hours too late). Thus, I can only take partial blame for what occurred. My shitty memory deserves the rest.

Onto the hike (summarized in my favorite hiking blog format):

11:00AM – After a hearty breakfast of bread, jam and an array of fruit, commence our “definitely no more than 3 hour” hike along the India Venster trail

11:01AM – Unsuccessfully attempt to validate that our unmarked starting point (determined via the good ole never-going-to-lead-you-astray random google search) is accurate. No confirmation provided. Good enough for me!

11:30AM – Encounter first “decision.” Yellow-painted footprints pointing left, or useless fuzzy memory (and of course no yellow footprints) steering me right. Right we go.

11:45AM – Trail “surprisingly” ends at a 2,000 foot drop, with nowhere to go but to the afterlife. Damn you useless memory.

12:00PM – Back to yellow footprints. Make mental note to follow in the future.

12:15PM – Yellow footprints have once again disappeared, although small piles of human-placed-rocks keep me assured that the correct path is being taken. Julie inquires if I am sure. Obviously…

12:45PM – Julie mentions yellow footprints for 832nd time as we continue up a trail that now has gone from well-worn to non-existent. I push along with unconfident confidence as “something” is up ahead.

1:00PM – “Something” up ahead turns into 2,500 foot drop to… yup, afterlife. Mild panic overwhelms senses. Attempt to avoid showing Julie face of “uhhhh, I have absolutely no idea where to go”

1:01PM – Reassurance provided by nearby male model who has also gone astray in his hike (yup, just a random male model being fine and whatnot)

1:30PM – Miraculously trace our path back to erred decision point. Yellow footprints galore to the left. Our original footprints obviously go right (I seem to be a sucker for that direction...)

1:45PM – Encounter “free climbing” section whereby no path exists aside from scaling near-vertical 30 foot wall. Later google search reveals climb only for “those with rock climbing experience.” Obviously.

1:50PM – Boom, piece of cake.

1:51PM – Shit, another. Slightly harder. “I promise this is the last one.”

1:52PM – 2:45PM – Repeat 8-9 times. Attempt to ignore mental images of headlines stating “Honeymoon Couple Dies During Tragic Hiking Accident” as I hold onto Julie for dear life during more “problematic” sections.

2:45PM – “Last one” = Last one. (see what I did there??)

4:00PM – Arrive to top of Table Mountain after a cult-like following of yellow footprints. Only 3 5 hours later. Welcome to the family Julie!

Despite the slight “detours” encountered along the way, in addition to several sections of “precarious” climbs, our 5-hour journey up the mountain where “nobody ever dies” was not as nerve-wracking as one would think, until later friends and family (in addition to countless articles) confirmed that “tons of people DO die”… especially along India Venster. So yeah, my decision-making as a now-husband needs a tad work. My wife, however, well, she was awesome. No complaining. No whining. Just channeling her inner mountain goat. One badass mountain goat. And thankfully still alive mountain goat.

Onto the pics:

	The start of our hike up Table Mountain. This route is labeled "Table Mountain." Thanks sign-making guy
	The easy/lazy/not-going-to-make-it-into-the-Soskolne-family route up the mountain
	Enjoying a few moments along a non-death-inducing section
	Brings me back to the days of putting myself in precarious poses, so to point in non-distinct directions at vague scenery
	Another!
	I like to call this section: "Should've listened to your wife when she kept mentioning how the trail no longer existed"
	And I like to call this section: "Nobody ever dies on Table Mountain... yup" (we changed outfits/body sizes for this shot)
	A dutiful blogger always risks new marriage as to capture the perfect moment
	Flat Surface > Non-Flat Surface
	Not really an easy way up either...
	Protea (a flower in case you are curious)
	This sign would've been slightly more helpful then the "Table Mountain" one at the beginning of our hike
	These guys -- Photogenic in bunches, disasterous when placed along non-existent trails
	5 hours later, I welcome you to the newest member of the Soskolne family!

Cape Town - Sometimes Pictures (and Witty Captions) Are Better Than Words

As a fairly sarcastic, somewhat critical blogger, it has taken me almost a week to determine how to write-up our 7 days spent in Cape Town. While the most memorable experience of our week will be arriving shortly as its own post (and you thought the Game of Thrones premiere was worth the wait!), the rest of our time was relatively critique-free. Perfect weather, amazing meals, great nights out with friends & family. All wonderful experiences, yet all completely lacking any semblance of cynicism, mockery or any other Shift-F9 replacement for “sarcasm.”

Thus, as happens with most of my travel blogs, the inability for creativity inevitably leads to what I can only describe as a “photo-heavy” post.

Onto the pics:

	Our studio apartment for the week - Not sure we are going to miss driving up 10 ridiculously-steep stories twice a day (hurray, I found my sarcasm!)
	Although for that view, yeah, I'd say it was worth it
	Double-frame? Mind blowing...
	And all we had to do was wait for these 10 Indian gentlemen to take over 300 photos of themselves (because why not have EVERY camera take pictures of 3 separate poses of yourself??)
	V&A Waterfront - Where rich people come to Africa to pretend they aren't in Africa
	1 of 78 Pina Colada's consumed by Julie during our honeymoon
	1/2 price sushi at Beluga - Amaaaaaaaazing (would definitely pay 3/4 price if we had to)
	Treating ourselves to a day in the wine country with this Martha Stewart-esque photo
	Hey lady in red - Pull yourself towards yourself you lush
	Nelson Mandela scarecrow (the shadow covers the 8x11 piece of paper with his face on it)
	Apparently "culture" and "sophistication" are requirements for being married
	Giraffe
	Partaking in the "cheetah experience" (not sure why Julie is petting me while I pet the Cheetah)
	"I dare you to see what is in this hut"
	Catching up with some old friends Dave & Bon for sundowners
	Boulders Beach - Home to...
	These guys
	Definitely forgot to check, even despite taking this photo 20 seconds prior
	Cape Point
	You'd be shocked to hear that these mountains are called the "Misty Cliffs"
	Hout Bay - No witty comment available at the moment
	I will take credit for this semi-crooked-yet-still-awesome selfie from the roof of our rental car
	Julie freckling it up at Clifton 4th Beach (way better than 3rd, or 2nd for that matter)
	Our final "game-heavy" meal of the trip -- Innocent animals consumed = Crocodile, Ostrich, Springbok, Kudu, Venison Sausage and a good ole Wart Hog (sorry Pumbaa)
	Farewell South Africa
	Somehow we managed to transport this 5 foot giraffe onto 4 separate planes and past 3 security checkpoints who all told us "no way in hell"

The Garden Route - A Glimpse into Retirement

Departing from the Drakensbergs on a misty-where’d-the-view-go-morning, we made our way to Johannesburg as to spend the evening with one of the few remaining Soskolne’s in South Africa – My cousin Debbie (and by cousin, I mean we share the same last name, although the specifics of how exactly are somewhat fuzzy – We assume someone was related to someone else once upon a time). After a pleasant evening debating the guilt of Oscar Pistorius (aka the South African OJ Simpson minus small gloves plus prosthetic legs), as well enjoying the always-entertaining-foreign-accent game of “what do you call this” (traffic light = robot?), we were up and at em at 6AM the following day to catch our flight to Port Elizabeth.

With 2 days and approximately 500 miles between us and Cape Town, our time along the famed Garden Route of South Africa was spent primarily witnessing a phenomenon only experienced during certain times of the year: "The Geriatric Journey." As peak travel season had come and gone, the “shoulder-season” of March welcomed all those from across the world with the innate inability to maintain follicle coloring. Every minute spent along this famed passage was either driving behind two knuckles & a steering wheel at half the speed limit (Borrowed Joke), or attempting to maneuver our way around a pack of tortoise-paced walkers, unable to determine which side of the pathway they wish to unknowingly take over next. Despite bringing the average age of this tourist trail down to a meager 68 years of age, we still did manage to enjoy several highlights along the way:

- Tsitsikamma National Park – Known as the “garden of the garden route,” Tsitsikamma is the perfect destination for those looking for a non-existent-pace-of-travel. With the main attraction involving a 20-minute walk to a seriously-this-is-the-main-attraction suspension bridge, the majority of our day was spent relaxing, making fun of the elderly, and of course having a close encounter with a baboon who apparently was drawn to our front door by the ever-growing collection of chocolate we were compiling (props to Julie for screaming in fright as I attempted to save our Top Deck bars).

- Knysna – Officially designated the “oyster capital of the world,” Knysna (surprisingly not pronounced “Ka-Nice-Na” as Julie the Master’s Degree-holding teacher in English initially thought), provided a nice lunch break for, wait for it, oysters. While the specifics of how Knysna earned this title will never be known (unless you are less lazy than me and just google it), this quick lunch stop would not normally earn the designation of “highlight,” except my god those oysters were amazing. Like, unbelievably amazing. Like, if we could eat one food for the rest of our lives (sorry pizza or pasta), these may cut the cake (is that even a saying?).

- Ostrich Riding in Oudtshoorn – Pronounced “oot-swoorn”, the small village of Oudtshoorn has made a name for itself by specializing in one of the more entertaining flightless birds in the world – Ostriches. Typically bred for their amazingly healthy meat (fact #23 of 842 learned during our 1-hour Ostrich farm tour), Ostriches are actually less commonly known for their ability to carry checklist-happy tourists on their backsides (fact #841 of 842). A fairly cruel activity that no doubt would never see the day of light in any westernized country, we were very lucky that such moral standards have not yet hit the Motherland. And thus, an ostrich we did a ride. And no, the photos will not disappoint. Oh, and in case you are curious about fact #842 – Ostriches hate having people ride them.

With oysters in our bellies, Ostrich feathers stuck to our shorts, and a burning desire to somehow pass the 20-car-back-up caused by another member of the Geriatric Journey, our next stop was none other than the Mothercity of Cape Town.

Onto the pics:

	Good Ole South Africa Airways - Providing delicious meals even for our mere 90-minute journey. Take notes United.
	Julie experiencing her first taste of the frigid Indian Ocean
	Our "retirement home" in Tsitsikamma
	Now there's a view that you can enjoy after an intense day of backgammon and Matlock
	Intense hiking conditions
	Yup, that's it. Just like in Indiana Jones...
	Dassies are probably one of my favorite creatures
	A newly-discovered "photo-shoot" game that passes the time when options are limited. This pose is called "The Julie"
	Coastal view
	Bloukrans Bridge - Home to once the highest bungee in the world. Now a standard bridge that offers non-Guiness-world-record jumps
	Enjoying the views in Ka-Nice-Na
	Just like Titanic...
	Like, amazing
	One of my favorite flightless bird species
	By this point, I'm becoming a natural (I believe this was Ostrich ride #4 of my life)
	Julie awaiting her carriage
	No caption necessary
	Unfortunately this image does not capture the constant "whooping" Julie exhibited during her 20-second ride
	Enjoying a difficultly-coordinated selfie on top of Swartsbergs Pass
	Our trusty Nissan Micra - A beautiful piece of toy car engineering
	Romantic sunset/waterside dinner (supposedly a requirement on honeymoons) - Notice the "Gerry's" in the background. Everywhere I tell you, everywhere!