Drakensberg Mountains - Holy View Batman

A seemingly endless mountain range, spanning a significant part of the South African landscape, the Drakensberg Mountains are well-known by every South African, yet surprisingly hidden in the back of most guidebooks. With a proximity of "4 hours from anywhere," the scenic wonderland that is this majestic mountain range (hello poetic statement!), is just far enough away from the "beaten tourist trail" to maintain a sense of solitude and serenity – Perfect for a honeymoon destination, at least so I thought.

With 2 days to soak up postcard views for as far as the eye can see, the only hurdle that stood in our course was a google-mapped-distance of 7 hours from Kruger to the Drakensbergs -- A relatively long distance to most, yet for us seasoned Soskolne travelers, a small drop in the bucket (see 14-hour travel day in Turkey involving 7 separate forms of transportation). Little did we know, several more “obstacles” stood in our way, thus turning our “easy travel day” into a panicked rush to the finish line:

1. As mentioned in the prior post, numerous well-timed “traffic jams” at Kruger added several hours to our pre-established plan of attack. Estimated time spent in car = 7 hrs --> 9 hrs

2. Despite frequent “friendly reminders” from Julie prior to our trip to avoid turning our honeymoon into an episode of The Amazing Race (I have no idea why she would ever think that…), I could not help but add a few “detours” to our route. With the park gates of our destination closing at 10PM, and 14 hours to travel approximately 9, why not relish in a few more hours of driving, right? Estimated time spent in car = 9 hrs --> 12 hrs.

3. For those unfamiliar with the South African highway system, it is a popular planning technique to build the thoroughfare directly into the middle of every town it crosses, thus forcing long-distance travelers to enjoy a never-ending array of traffic lights (all of which were red of course) and stop signs along their journey. Estimated time spent in car = 12 hrs --> 14 hrs.

4. Having no access to internet or phone in the past 4 days, and my mother having a slight reputation for calling hostels to check on her “baby boy” which by-no-means was embarrassing whatsoever when you are traveling with friends at the age of 23 (Hi Mom!), we decided a phone call was in order. Yet, thanks to a recent addition to the South African legislature, all newly-purchased SIM cards must be “officially registered” with a physical SA address. Having no such address, this task a little longer than expected (and may have involved a semi-illegal transaction). Estimated time spent in car = 14 hrs --> 15 hrs.

5. With 6 hours remaining until 10PM, and only 4 hours to travel, we seemed to be in relatively good shape. Fate was not on our side, however, as we mistakenly routed ourselves onto one of the most notorious construction sites in all of South Africa. For the next 2 hours, we enjoyed following unpassable “abnormal/heavy load” trucks at a pace of 3MPH, and then, I sh*t you not, passing over 100 high-enough-to-destroy-your-undercarriage-unless-driven-over-at-snail-pace speed bumps, placed approximately 50 feet apart for over 15 miles. Estimated time spent in car = 15 hrs --> 18 hrs.

With only 30 minutes separating us from a night spent sleeping peacefully away in our mountainside hut, or parked outside a locked gate, shivering in the confines of our car, we thankfully made it through. Awaking the following morning to one of the most amazing views of either of our lives, we decided the 18-hour arduous journey was not completed in vein (although would probably be slightly modified if completed again).

As to celebrate making it through such an exhausting day (hurray for not teaching Julie to drive a stick-shift prior to our trip), we decided to take a leisurely hike along the gorge valley. By leisurely, of course, I mean a 6-hour hike with limited shade, countless flooded river crossings, and of course several hundred feet of climbing up ladders, vines & other "better-not-lose-your-grip-or-death-is-imminent" objects on the way to the viewpoint. Hey, you can’t blame me for being predictable! :)

Onto the pics:

	The start of our should-have-been-7-but-somehow-turned-into-18-hour journey from Kruger to the Drakensbergs - This section had lots of trees
	Failed Detour #1 - The Big Swing in Graskop - Do a quick google search and you will see why this event was not partaken in
	Failed Detour #2 - Random viewpoint 5 minutes from Blyde River Canyon and 10 hours from our final destination for the day = The ultimate stopping point
	Despite the long travel day, we were able to enjoy the Windows XP backgrounds which seemed to follow us wherever we went
	Our homely hut for the next 2 days in the Drakensbergs
	Fairly scenic backyard
	Damn scenic frontyard (through the bedroom window)
	This is a little artistic piece I like to call "the road to destiny"
	Commencing our "I-promise-it'll-be-easy" hike along the Tugela Gorge
	Me and the Hipster Hiker
	Jazz hands!
	Weeks of flooding across South Africa made for some interesting river crossings
	Now that is a face of relief
	Easy-to-climb ladder
	Not-so-easy-to-climb ladder
	A wall of vines, a few more river crossings, and you have your view of the 2nd tallest waterfall in the world (a little squinting may be required)
	Julie in a completely unposed-I-promise-I-didn't-ask-her-do-this admiration of our journey
	Nice little night-time exposure of the frontyard

Kruger National Park - Nothing Says African Safari Like a Ford Fiesta

When attempting to plan the outline of our "safari-based" blog, it was quite difficult to find any substance beyond the all-inclusive "we drove around and saw a lot of animals." Such a write-up would inevitably result in an immediate scroll to the photos (which may have already occurred for most by now), and all my previously discarded drafts of this blog would have been in vein. Thus, I decided to take a slightly different approach, and attempt to learn you all a little "something something" about the traditional South African safari experience.

In order to understand what your average safari newbie has in terms of expectations, I decided to google "safari" and see what images popped-up. The first one that arises is a picture of your standard safari vehicle, with camera-toting tourists popping out from the top, sporting their newly-purchased-just-for-our-first-trip-to-Africa $10K lenses. The second is none other than an extremely photoshopped image of an elephant family -- all of exact same proportions - walking along the horizon at dusk. And the 3rd is a more realistic combination of the two, as two male lions sit in the foreground to their viewers delight.

Now, while all these situations are definitely probable to occur on your typical safari, a little substance is required first to establish the "off-camera" context of how these images were captured. Before commencing of course, I did want to establish two quick ground rules:

1. For any of you who feel that "Coming to America" is a fairly accurate depiction of African life, it is best you cease reading immediately, as your reality is amazingly hilarious, and better left unchanged.

2. The below lesson will focus primarily on your "middle-class" safari experience. For those willing to deplete their life savings for an authentically-unauthentic "trip to the bush," I shall include a few notes on the variations that can be purchased for the small price of curing world hunger.

Onto the lesson:

Safari Vehicle - While images of a gun-toting African, decked out in a khaki vest with no less than 78 pockets, driving an old roofless green 4x4 may come to mind, many would be surprised that any vehicle (enclosed or not) can be used on a safari, and even driven by oneself! As Kruger NP falls in the category of an "easy drive" game park, your best choice is going to be any automobile with at least 4 wheels, and more importantly, solid reverse movement capabilities as to avoid the inevitable "pissed-off elephant" (it does not take much to anger these "gentle giants"). In addition, all said vehicles encompass a radio, enabling safari goers to set the ambiance with their favorite Miley Cyrus tune while watching Zebras graze the grassy plains abound. While Land Rovers and other 4x4's offer a slightly higher vantage point to peer over the grassy roadside in desperate need of weed-whacking, nothing says "up-close-and-personal" than staring a lion eye-to-eye from a trusty low-riding Ford Fiesta -- Our vehicle of choice for the trip. For those with $$, please see "man with gun and khaki pockets" (who no doubt has no bullets in his gun, nor objects in any of his 78 pockets).

Game Viewing - For those of you picturing a leopard in a tree, or quite possibly a face-painted monkey holding a lion cub at the top of a mountain bluff, I will first state that yes, these moments are possible to capture. But by god are they damn impossible to find. Approximately 95% of time on your typical safari day is spent scanning the horizon in mind-numbing/eye-blinding fashion, only to see the occasional herd of "dime-a-dozen" easy-prey animals (e.g. impala) or the heart-stopping tree stump or boulder that is shaped almost exactly like an animal. The other 5% of the time is where 99% of the photos arise, after finally finding the tree stump that is truly a sleeping lionness, or in most cases, a traffic jam of other vehicles all waiting to capture their turn at photographing the hell out of whatever feline-based animal strolls past their viewfinder (i.e. lions, leopard, cheetahs). For those with $$, you are escorted around Miss-Daisy-style, with radio-based contact setting the course. Eye-straining / sense-of-adventure need not apply.

Accommodation - While the playing field may have been relatively level up until now, accommodation options are where the separation of "classes" truly comes into play. From a $20/night campsite to a $5000/night all-inclusive-open-your-wallet-and-we-will-put-a-leopard-in-the-tree-in-front-of-your-cabana, the options are honestly as endless as the money in your savings account. While Julie and I opted for a more "mid-range" safari experience (it seemed best not to force her to wander around a moonlit campsite in search of "facilities" during our honeymoon), the temptation to splurge was by no means put off very easily. But at the end of the day, whether you spent your life savings on an "authentic" experience, or a much smaller amount for an actual authentic safari (no quotation marks required), the animals are gonna eat, sleep, piss & sh*t for your viewing pleasure all the same. : )

Meals - The final aspect of the safari experience is to quench the appetite created by aimless staring at empty tree branches and lonely bushes. While pre-prepared snacks are a must (the South Africa version of jerkey - Biltong - is almost like crack in a bag), every evening must end with some sort of fire-based meal. For us, some delicious lamp chops, boerewors (i.e. sausage) and potatoes comprised the meals. For those in the "upper-echelon" category, your authentic African experience no doubt includes caviar shipped in from Russia.

In the end, whether cruising around in an oil-burning Ford Pinto, or a gold plated Land Rover, animals will be seen, memories will be made, and you most definitely will piss off at least one elephant.

Onto the pics:

	Enjoying our first South African Braai (i.e. BBQ) in the bush - Lamb chops, boerewors and potaters
	Despite torrential rains/flooding across the region, we were welcomed to Kruger with Windows XP-esque scenery
	The first of many lions seen during our 2-day safari. This one seems to be practicing her "Blue Steel" look
	Taking a break from being photographed
	Hun-gry Eyes...
	Kudu, or as Julie liked to call them, Nulu
	Hip-hop-appotamus
	One member of Scar's entourage in a stare-down competition with a nearby hippo
	Dime a Dozen's
	Giraffe's seem to grow slightly taller when not in captivity
	Baboon Alley - Dozens of furry roadblocks creating quite the obstacle course
	Another safari vehicle option
	When in doubt, pick it out with your teeth
	This wooden log apparently ended up being a crocodile
	Somehow we saw 15 lions, but only one buffalo... (American Context = Imagine seeing 14 wolves and only 1 sheep)
	Killer tail
	The I-35 of Kruger
	King of the Jungle showing humans who's boss
	Pair of Wild Dogs enjoying their own private traffic jam only 5 minutes down the road from the lions (props to Julie for the National Geopgrahic-esque photo)
	Olifante!
	Saying farewell to another great safari experience

Egypt - Kinda Awesome, Kinda Not, It's Weird

As a self-declared "checklist traveler," there really is no bigger "check" in the world than visiting the Pyramids of Giza. Almost 5,000 years old, and built by none other than "the tribe" (+5 points Jewish laborers), it was as if fate was in our hands when our originally-booked flight to South Africa included an 11-hour layover in Cairo. However, as seems to be the case with all our trips as of late (see Turkey riots), a bit of "political unrest" began to stir in the region. This unrest quickly escalated into an all-encompassing "death to tourists" threat released only 10 days prior to our departure. Given this recent development, as well as countless travel advisories/warnings, we made the only rational decision a young married couple with their whole lives ahead of them would make -- To the pyramids we went.

Now, prior to the "political drama" which had turned Egypt into CNN's new Justin Bieber of the Middle East, the Pyramids had already been plagued by endless complaints of rude, obnoxious and extremely bothersome "touts." For those of you unfamiliar with a "tout," it is essentially an individual who is hell-bent on pestering you to death, via any means possible, until your wallet opens to their hearts content. And thus, being quite possibly the #1 tourist attraction in the world, the Pyramids were chalk-full of hundreds of them. Little did we know, these one's specialized in representing the worst the world has to offer:

- Tout #1 - "The Government Worker" - Posing as an employee of the Egyptian government (dressed of course in ratty shorts and an old t-shirt), the first tout we came across was met before even setting foot within the pyramid grounds. After refusing to let our taxi approach the entrance to the site, arguing that only "camels and horse carriages can take you to Pyramids," he then proceeded to literally sit on top of our taxi during the 5 minute drive into the entrance of the pyramids (all while our taxi driver shouted wildly "police police police.") After eventually making our way to the main entrance, he then proceeded to snatch our tickets from the teller after purchase, and threatened our arrest on behalf of the government if we did not comply with his wishes to place us on top of two nearby camels. His pursuits eventually ceased after another 10 minutes, to which Julie exclaimed "this place sucks." Agreed. Annoyance factor = 8/10.

- Tout #2 - "The Photo Guy" - The next wonderful individual whose company we were honored enough to have, followed us around for approximately 20 minutes, relentlessly offering to "take photo of beautiful couple." After finally giving in to his requests, in hopes he would leave us be, our Kodak moment was captured. As thanks for his "assistance," I offered him 10 Egyptian pounds (~$1), although needed change for the 50 pound bill I carried. After taking the 50, he then became furious, refusing any notion that he had ever promised change, and proceeded to ask for even MORE money, since "you touch my horse." Once again, he threatened to arrest us on behalf of the government. Annoyance factor - 9/10.

- Tout #3 - "La Policia" - With the Pyramid site closing down, the "official" police-force of the park began escorting tourists towards the exit. One such fine fellow approached us as we were taking some of our last photos, reminding us of the closing time. He then followed his request with a smile, offering us to stay 5 more minutes to enjoy "our beautiful country." Thanking him (and quite astonished an honest sole existed within a 20 mile radius), we remained for a few more minutes, before leaving for the exit. At this point, he approached us again, this time with "semi-murderous eyes," requesting money for exiting the park after official closing hours. The standard "arrest on behalf of the government" threat was somehow bypassed this time around. Annoyance factor - 10/10.

Even despite witnessing the worst the world has to offer in regard to people, the Pyramids themselves were absolutely unbelievable. No photo can truly do them justice, as just standing next to a single block the size of a Hummer leads to a sense of complete and utter awe. Thus, I must once again give props to the tribe for a job well done (or aliens/giants/gods, whichever Discovery Channel theory you happen to stumble upon).

Onto the pics:

	Apparently the desire to visit Egypt is so non-existent at the moment, all Egypt Air flights now include a FREE hotel room and meals for those willing to make the trek
	Our free four-star hotel - Inclusive of lunch, dinner, airport transportation, and one well-deserved shower after our visit to the Pyramids
	You know Cairo traffic is crazy when the "oh-shit-handle" has it's own "oh-shit-handle"
	The Nile - Supposedly it's a pretty big river
	First glimpse of the pyramids through the "urban development" that is Cairo
	Self-explanatory postcard shot
	I hear kids these days are all raving about this "selfie" type photography pose
	Perspective shot
	The Pharaoh was kinda greedy asking for three of these badboys
	No pyramid visit is complete without a patented camel/pyramid combo shot
	Tourist pose!
	Me and the tout who refused to provide change (in addition to charging for "horse-touching")
	Combo shot!
	Julie loves herself some Pharoah Feline
	That's a whole lotta effort to store 3 dead guys
	Random famous building passed by during our "Post Pyramid 90-minute Cairo Traffic Tour"